ADHD in Relationships: Repair Without Self-Abandonment
TL;DR: When ADHD triggers conflict, repair often turns into self-blame. Learning to pause, ground, and lead from Self allows for ownership without over-apology. Through IFS, EMDR, and Sensorimotor techniques, it’s possible to calm the body, soften protective parts, and speak from clarity instead of shame. 90-minute+ Intensives offer space for these patterns to shift more fully. ADHD therapy in Washington, DC helps repair feel steady, compassionate, and real.
IFS • Sensorimotor Psychotherapy • EMDR • 90-Minute+ Intensives
If you live with ADHD, you’ve probably heard some version of: “You’re late again,” “You forgot—again,” or “Are you even listening?” That stings. ADHD affects focus, time awareness, working memory, and transitions—so of course it spills into relationships. What often makes it worse is the repair attempt: collapsing into shame, over-apologizing, or promising fixes you can’t sustain. Good news: you can repair and stay on your own side.
This post outlines how I use Internal Family Systems (IFS), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and EMDR to help people with ADHD repair more honestly—and how 90-minute+ Intensives can create traction when you want change to stick.
Slips vs. Self-Worth (Why This Hurts So Much)
Let’s separate two layers:
The slip: late arrival, missed text, zoning out mid-story, forgetting a plan.
The story about you: “I’m unreliable,” “I’m too much,” “I always disappoint.”
ADHD isn’t a character flaw; it’s a wiring difference. But when a slip triggers old shame, your nervous system treats feedback like proof you’re unlovable.
Effective repair lives between the layers: own the impact without attacking your identity.
IFS: Your Parts Are Trying to Help
Internal Family Systems views you as a system of “parts,” all with good intentions:
The People-Pleaser overpromises to keep peace.
The Avoider goes offline when stakes feel high.
The Perfectionist insists you must never slip (which guarantees shame).
The Critic punishes you after a miss to “prevent” future ones.
A Younger Part expects scolding or abandonment and panics fast.
IFS isn’t about silencing parts; it’s about letting your steadier Self lead. In practice we ask: Which parts just took over? What are they protecting me from? When protectors feel respected—not shamed—they soften. You regain access to Self: the calm, curious, compassionate core that can own impact and protect dignity.
A self-respecting stance might sound like:
“A part of me got overwhelmed and bailed; another part is scared I’ll lose you if I admit that. I want to own the impact and stay connected to both of us.”
That’s honest without self-abandonment.
Sensorimotor: Your Body Must Land Before Words Work
During conflict, many ADHDers flip into fight/flight/freeze: fast talk, tight jaw, shallow breath—or the opposite, glaze and go blank. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy works with posture, breath, and micro-movement to bring your thinking brain back online.
Try a 30–60 second reset before you speak:
Feet: press soles into the floor; feel your weight.
Eyes: look around; land your gaze on something neutral.
Breath: exhale longer than you inhale (4 in, 6 out).
Boundary cue: lightly press palms together or hold your forearms—“I’m here, and I have edges.”
You’ll notice your voice steadies and your words get simpler. Your partner can feel the difference.
EMDR: Update the Old Shame Films
If repair always spirals into “I’m the worst,” a memory network is probably driving the bus: the teacher who called you lazy, the parent who mocked messes, the ex who said you didn’t care. When present-day feedback hooks that network, your body reacts as if the old scene is happening again.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps by activating a target memory while you track bilateral stimulation (eye movements/taps/tones). Your brain links the memory to updated truths: That was then; this is now. I’m wired differently, not broken. I have tools and choices. As the charge drops, feedback feels like information, not condemnation. Clients often report: “I still prefer not to be late—but it no longer means I’m unlovable.”
A Repair Framework That Protects Both of You
Think of this as a light scaffold to adapt, not a rigid script.
1) Land your body. (Sensorimotor)
If you’re too hot or too gone, name it: “I want to talk, and I need 10 minutes to settle so I can be present.”
2) Own one specific impact. (IFS leadership)
Skip global labels.
“I said 6 and showed up at 6:25. That put you in a bad spot. I get why that was frustrating.”
3) Include your reality—without excuses.
“My time-blindness bit me. I underestimated transition time.”
4) Ask for the meaning.
“How did it land—was it inconvenience, feeling unimportant, or something else?”
5) Offer one change you can keep.
“For the next two weeks, I’m using two alarms: wrap-up and leave-now.”
6) Hold a boundary if needed.
“I can’t promise perfect punctuality; if I’m 10+ minutes out, I’ll call and we’ll decide together.”
7) Close with care, not performance.
“I care about you and about this. Let’s check in next week about how the plan felt.”
You didn’t beg, collapse, or over-promise. That’s repair with self-respect.
Tiny Changes That Actually Stick
We tailor these so they match your brain:
Transitions: two alarms—wrap-up and leave. The second is sacred.
Listening: hold a pen; jot a one-phrase headline while they talk (anchors attention).
Memory: repeat the plan out loud; text yourself the key detail; auto-add to calendar.
Shared meaning: reflect the core: “It wasn’t the 25 minutes—it was feeling low-priority before your presentation.”
Repair window: if a miss happens, you initiate within 24 hours (one impact + one next step).
These are bridges, not punishments.
When Your Partner Doesn’t “Get” ADHD
Educating helps, but you’re not a walking TED Talk. Guard your dignity:
Invite curiosity, not cross-examination.
“I’m glad to share what supports focus. I also need trust that I’m working on it.”Ask for behavioral requests, not identity labels.
“Tell me the one behavior that would help tonight; please avoid words like lazy or selfish.”Co-design support.
“If I’m 10+ minutes late, one call is helpful; if I don’t answer, assume I’m on my way and we’ll adjust when I arrive.”
If the dynamic turns shaming or controlling, that’s therapy territory: staying connected without absorbing mistreatment.
Where 90-Minute+ Intensives Fit
Weekly 50-minute sessions can feel like stopping mid-chapter—especially when we’re working with protectors, body patterns, and memory networks. 90-minute+ Intensives (I offer 90-minute, 3-hour, and half-day options) let us complete a fuller arc in one sitting:
IFS mapping: People-Pleaser, Avoider, Perfectionist, Critic—what each fears and protects.
Sensorimotor settling: find 1–2 landing cues that reliably work for you in conflict.
EMDR reprocessing: target a shame film that makes feedback feel like an attack.
Rehearse repair: practice words that sound like you, not a robot.
Plan micro-changes: choose the smallest supports you’ll actually do (alarms, check-ins).
Many people leave saying, “Hard moments still happen, but they don’t take the whole night.”
Scripts You Can Borrow (and Tweak)
→ Own impact without collapse
“I missed the mark—told you 6, arrived 6:25. I get that it threw your evening off. I’m shifting to two alarms so transitions don’t eat our plans.”
→ Boundaried repair
“I hear that this stirred up ‘you don’t matter.’ That’s not what I want for you. I won’t promise perfect punctuality, and I will call at 10 minutes so we choose together.”
→ When you need a pause
“I care and I’m getting flooded. I need 15 minutes to reset so I can stay present—are you available to pick it back up?”
→ If you over-promised last time
“I promised something I couldn’t keep. I don’t want to repeat that. Here’s a smaller, reliable step I can keep this week.”
How We’d Start Together
First meeting: You share the late/forgetful cycles, blow-ups, shutdowns. I track the story and the body.
IFS groundwork: We get to know your protectors and younger parts; they learn you won’t throw them under the bus to keep the peace.
Sensorimotor practice: We test a few cues (feet, eyes, breath, boundary touch) and keep what reliably lands your system.
EMDR targeting: We select 1–2 memories that hijack the present and plan paced reprocessing.
Format: Weekly sessions or a 90-minute+ Intensive for deeper momentum; if you already have a therapist, Intensives can supplement your care with your consent.
In Closing
ADHD can strain relationships, but it doesn’t have to define them. Repair without self-abandonment becomes possible when you (1) land your body so your brain can help, (2) lead with Self instead of panicked parts, and (3) update old shame so feedback stops feeling like proof you’re unlovable. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s presence, honesty, and kindness—to your partner and to yourself.
I offer EMDR-, IFS-, and Sensorimotor-informed therapy in Dupont Circle and via telehealth across DC/MD/VA. Choose weekly sessions or a 90-minute+ Intensive (3-hour and half-day options available). If you’re already in therapy, Intensives can supplement your work—collaboration welcome. Book a free 15-minute consult to talk through your goals and whether weekly sessions or a 90-minute+ Intensive fits best for you and your relationships.
Looking for a therapist in Washington, D.C. who specializes in helping individuals with ADHD navigate relationships?
Take your first step towards healing shame and deepening emotional safety.
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About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences. At Margot Lamson Therapy, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
