Why Grief Can Show Up When Life Starts to Feel Better
TL;DR: Grief often lives in the nervous system long after the initial loss. When protective patterns soften, the body may begin releasing what it once had to contain. This can look like fatigue, a quiet ache, or unexpected emotion during periods of stability. Rather than something to fix, this process reflects deeper integration. Trauma-informed approaches, like EMDR and IFS, provide structure so grief can move without flooding.
Grief doesn’t always arrive when something first ends.
Sometimes, it shows up later — quietly, unexpectedly — when life begins to feel safer, more stable, or more open.
People are often surprised by this. They come to therapy thinking grief should move in one direction: toward closure, acceptance, or peace. So when sadness, longing, or heaviness returns after growth has begun, it can feel confusing or even discouraging.
But this return of grief isn’t a sign that healing has stalled.
Often, it’s a sign that healing has finally created enough safety for grief to be felt more fully.
Grief Isn’t Linear — It’s Relational
Grief isn’t something we “process once” and leave behind.
It’s relational. It lives in the body, in attachment, and in memory. And it tends to surface when the nervous system senses that it’s finally safe enough to do so.
This is why people often notice grief emerging:
after a period of stability
once anxiety has softened
when relationships feel more secure
when life begins to expand again
When survival mode loosens, what was held back can finally come forward.
Why Grief Often Waits Until You’re Stronger
Many people believe grief shows up when they’re weakest.
In reality, grief often waits until you have enough capacity.
If you grew up needing to stay functional, emotionally attuned to others, or “together” in the face of difficulty, your system may have learned to postpone grief.
Not because it didn’t matter — but because there wasn’t space.
Healing can change that.
As safety increases, grief may reappear — not as a crisis, but as a quieter, deeper acknowledgment of what was lost, missed, or never fully received.
The Many Forms Grief Can Take
Grief isn’t always about death.
It can be grief for:
a childhood you didn’t get
relationships that couldn’t meet you
versions of yourself shaped by survival
time lost to anxiety, trauma, or caregiving
dreams that had to be deferred
This kind of grief doesn’t announce itself loudly. It often shows up as:
a heaviness you can’t quite name
a wave of sadness without a clear trigger
longing for something intangible
tenderness mixed with fatigue
And because it’s subtle, people often question whether it “counts.”
It does.
How Grief Lives in the Body
Grief isn’t just emotional — it’s physiological.
You might notice:
a hollow or heavy sensation in the chest
pressure behind the eyes or throat
slowed energy or a desire to rest
moments of withdrawal or inwardness
These aren’t signs of regression. They’re signals that the body is doing deep integrative work.
Grief often asks for slowing down, not fixing.
Why Grief Can Feel Stronger After Progress
This is one of the most misunderstood aspects of healing.
As anxiety, hypervigilance, or self-criticism decrease, what’s left behind is often grief — the grief that was once masked by urgency or adrenaline.
In other words:
anxiety quiets → grief becomes audible
busyness slows → loss becomes clearer
protection softens → vulnerability emerges
This doesn’t mean healing created grief.
It means healing created room.
Grief and Attachment: Letting Go Without Losing Connection
For many people, grief is deeply tied to attachment.
There can be an unspoken fear:
“If I let myself grieve, I’ll lose the connection forever.”
Or:
“If I move forward, it means I didn’t care enough.”
From an attachment perspective, grief is not about forgetting — it’s about reorganizing connection.
Healing doesn’t require severing bonds. It allows relationships, memories, and meaning to be held in a way that no longer overwhelms the present.
EMDR: Making Space for Grief Without Flooding
EMDR can be especially helpful for grief that feels stuck, overwhelming, or delayed.
Rather than forcing grief to surface, EMDR helps the nervous system gently integrate memories, sensations, and beliefs associated with loss.
This can allow grief to:
move at a tolerable pace
feel less consuming
coexist with moments of relief
settle into something softer and more grounded
Importantly, EMDR doesn’t aim to eliminate grief — it helps prevent it from remaining frozen in the system.
IFS: Honoring the Parts That Carry Grief
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, grief is often carried by specific parts — parts that hold longing, sadness, or unmet needs.
Other parts may work hard to keep grief contained:
parts that stay busy
parts that intellectualize
parts that minimize
parts that push for “moving on”
In therapy, we don’t force these protective parts aside. We acknowledge that they helped you survive.
When grief is approached with respect and curiosity, it often feels less threatening — and more manageable.
Letting Grief Be What It Is
One of the kindest things you can offer yourself is permission for grief to exist without needing to transform it.
Grief doesn’t always want resolution.
Sometimes it wants:
witnessing
gentleness
acknowledgment
time
Healing doesn’t mean grief disappears. It means grief is no longer carrying the weight alone.
When Grief and Expansion Coexist
One of the quiet truths of healing is this:
You can feel grief and growth at the same time.
You can mourn what you lost and enjoy what you’re building.
You can miss what was and be grateful for what is.
This isn’t contradiction — it’s integration.
As your capacity expands, your emotional range does too.
Working With Us
If grief feels complicated — especially if it’s resurfacing during a period of growth or change — therapy can offer a place to explore that gently and without pressure.
I work with clients using an integrative, trauma-informed approach that includes EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. My focus is on helping people make space for complex emotional experiences like grief at a pace that feels respectful and sustainable.
Learn more about working with me (Margot) here!
Molly also works with EMDR and IFS and brings a warm, grounded presence to grief work, particularly for clients who feel pressure to “be okay” or move on quickly. She is especially attuned to the subtle forms of grief that often go unrecognized.
Learn more about working with Molly here!
If you’re noticing grief alongside healing — or wondering what it means — you’re welcome to reach out to explore working with either of us.
A Final Thought
Grief doesn’t mean healing has failed.
Often, it means healing has finally made room for what couldn’t be felt before.
You don’t have to rush it.
You don’t have to resolve it.
You only have to let it belong.
Looking for a trauma-informed therapist in Washington, D.C. who can help you safely explore and move through grief?
Take your first step towards holding grief and growth together.
(Washington, D.C., Virginia, and Maryland residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences.
The clinicians at Full Self Psychotherapy are committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
