Cozy Isn’t Numbing: How to Tell Comfort from Avoidance (Through an IFS, Sensorimotor, and EMDR Lens)
TL;DR: As fall invites rest and coziness, it’s easy to confuse true comfort with numbing out. Comfort helps your nervous system settle so you feel more present afterward; numbing disconnects you from yourself and leaves stress intact. Using IFS, Sensorimotor, and EMDR, therapy can help you recognize the difference, befriend the parts that reach for avoidance, and find real relief without the crash. The goal isn’t to “get rid of” numbing—it’s to build capacity for choice, warmth, and grounded calm.
Fall makes “cozy” tempting—shorter days, softer lighting, warm sweaters, and a cultural nudge to slow down. That can be genuinely good for your nervous system. But there’s a real difference between comfort (regulation that helps you return to yourself) and numbing (avoidance that blunts feelings now and boomerangs later). If you’ve ever “relaxed” with a show and felt foggier, more irritable, or even more anxious afterward, you’ve touched that edge.
This post breaks down comfort vs. numbing in plain language and shows how I understand—and work with—these states using Internal Family Systems (IFS), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and EMDR. I’ll also share when a focused Intensive makes sense if you’re ready to shift stuck patterns faster.
Comfort vs. Numbing (What You Feel on the Other Side)
Comfort helps your system settle and leaves you more present afterward—clearer, steadier, a little more able to do the next thing.
Numbing lowers intensity by disconnecting—you step away from body signals and emotions, and when the activity ends, the same stress is still there (often bigger).
Two simple litmus tests:
Afterward effect: do you feel slightly more here, or slightly more gone?
Choice: did you feel like you had options, or did the behavior feel compulsory?
Neither state makes you “good” or “bad.” They are nervous-system strategies. The real question is whether the strategy works for you in the short and long run.
Why Fall Turns Up the Volume
Less daylight can pull down energy and mood; your body asks for quick relief.
Work/school ramps up before year-end; pressure increases as light decreases.
Anniversaries and memories often surface; the body remembers even when the calendar doesn’t.
In that mix, numbing is efficient. It’s also expensive if it becomes your only tool.
How IFS Explains Comfort vs. Numbing: Parts with Jobs
Internal Family Systems (IFS) suggests we’re made of many “parts,” all trying to help. The parts that push you toward scrolling, snacking, oversleeping, or over-scheduling aren’t lazy; they’re protectors with a job: keep pain away right now.
Typical cast:
Managers try to prevent pain by controlling: “Let’s keep busy, don’t slow down.”
Firefighters rush in when pain breaks through: “This is too much—blanket it with anything fast.”
What are they protecting? Usually younger, more vulnerable exiled parts carrying fear, shame, grief, or loneliness. In IFS, the aim isn’t to crush protectors or “power through.” It’s to befriend them, learn their positive intent, and relieve them by helping the exiles they protect.
How this looks in practice:
→ When you reach for a numbing behavior, we’re curious: Which protector is active? What pain does it expect?
→ We invite that protector to tell us what it’s afraid would happen if you didn’t numb. Often, it predicts a tidal wave—panic, tears, conflict, humiliation.
→ As protectors feel respected—not shamed—they soften. That creates space for your Self (the calmer, compassionate core of you in IFS) to lead.
Comfort, in IFS terms, is a protector allowing Self-led care—“We can rest without disappearing.”
Numbing is a protector hijacking control—“Disappear now; we’ll deal later (but we never do).”
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: The Body Decides Before Words Do
When you’re overwhelmed, your thinking brain gets fuzzy because your survival system is driving. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy works with posture, breath, movement, and sensation—because your body often knows whether you’re regulating or numbing before your mind does.
Common body markers:
Comfort feels organized—a steadier breath, a sense of weight in the chair, shoulders dropping, eyes softening. You can track sensations without wanting to bolt.
Numbing feels disconnected—flatness, heavy limbs, glazed eyes, or a sped-up “zippy” agitation that keeps you from landing.
In therapy, we might notice: “As you talk about watching shows at night, your breath disappears and your eyes glaze—what happens if we feel the chair under you and lengthen the exhale just a bit?” If your system can land, the urge to numb often shifts on its own. The point isn’t to police your habits; it’s to restore choice by bringing your body into the present.
EMDR: Why Avoidance Makes Sense Until the Memory Updates
If you’ve tried to “be stronger” and stop numbing but keep falling back into it, that’s not a willpower failure—it’s wiring. When your brain holds unprocessed memories (moments of helplessness, humiliation, fear), it tags present-day cues as dangerous. Avoidance/numbing then becomes a fast, reliable way to turn down the internal alarm.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps by:
Activating a target memory while you track bilateral stimulation (eye movements/taps/tones).
Linking the old memory to updated information (“That was then; this is now. I’m not trapped. I have options.”).
Letting the nervous system complete what couldn’t complete then—so today’s cues stop setting off yesterday’s alarm.
After effective EMDR work, people often say: “The urge to check out is just…quieter.” They can still choose a show or a nap, but it doesn’t feel compulsory. That’s the difference between comfort (chosen) and numbing (driven).
Putting the Lenses Together on One Everyday Example
Situation: It’s 9:30 p.m., you’re tired, deadlines are stacked, and you’re reaching for a long scroll.
IFS view: A Firefighter protector expects shame and overwhelm if you face your to-do list. It rushes in with scrolling to keep the pain out. We’d acknowledge its intent (“thank you”), ask what it fears, and invite Self to lead a gentler plan.
Sensorimotor view: Your chest is tight, eyes lock on the screen, breath gets shallow. We’d invite small, concrete cues (feet heavy in the rug, slower exhale) so the body can land, giving your cortex enough oxygen to choose.
EMDR view: The intensity of “falling behind” might link to an earlier memory (being criticized, feeling invisible, never “enough”). By reprocessing that memory, today’s deadlines stop carrying yesterday’s threat level—so avoidance no longer feels necessary for survival.
Outcome we’re after:
Not pristine habits, but flexible capacity—the ability to rest, to feel, and to choose.
Signs You’re Comforting (vs. Slipping into Numbing)
These are descriptive, not moral:
Comfort
You feel a little more grounded afterward.
The activity has edges (a natural start/finish).
Your body signals “present” (steady breath, softer eyes).
Next steps feel slightly easier.
Numbing
You feel foggy or “far away” afterward.
Time gets slippery.
Your body is either shut down (heavy, blank) or jittery (revved, can’t land).
The thing you avoided feels bigger, not smaller.
If you notice you’re numbing, you haven’t failed. You’ve gathered data. That’s useful in therapy: Which protector? Which body pattern? Which memory network?
Where Intensives Fit (and Why Many People Prefer Them)
Traditional 45–50 minute sessions can feel like stopping mid-chapter—especially when you’re working with protectors, body patterns, and memory networks together. Intensives (3-hour, half-day, or full-day) let us complete a fuller arc:
IFS mapping: identify your main protectors (the over-worker, the scroller, the “I disappear” part) and what they guard.
Sensorimotor stabilization: establish a few reliable body cues that help you land without checking out.
EMDR reprocessing: target 1–2 root memories that keep today’s stress feeling like yesterday’s danger.
Integration: notice how urges shift when the memory charge drops and the body can settle; plan real-world edges that feel respectful, not punitive.
People often leave an Intensive saying the urge to numb is still possible, but it’s no longer running the show. That’s the point.
Learn more about therapy intensives here.
A Few Gentle, Non-“Lesson Plan” Takeaways
These are not rules—just helpful anchors you can remember without a checklist.
Biology before psychology. If you feel spun up or shut down, start with body cues (weight in the chair, slower exhale, eyes off the bright screen). The mind follows the body’s lead.
Respect your protectors. “A part of me wants to blank out” invites curiosity, not a fight. Protectors calm when they’re seen.
Edges create safety. Coziness works best with natural edges—an episode, a bath, a call. Edges aren’t punishment; they give the nervous system a beginning and an end.
If the urge feels compulsory, look for the memory. That’s a sign an older network is driving. EMDR can help update it.
Your pace is the right pace. If “feeling more” makes things worse, we stabilize first (Sensorimotor), build trust with protectors (IFS), then touch memory (EMDR).
When to Consider Therapy Now (Not Later)
You’re checking out most days and feel more distant from people or passions.
Sleep, appetite, or motivation are off for a couple of weeks or more.
“Small” tasks feel huge and stay that way.
Grief or trauma anniversaries spike you, and basic settling skills don’t help.
You’re ready to understand your patterns without shaming yourself—and you want options that don’t depend on white-knuckling.
Any of those are good reasons to reach out. You don’t need to have the “right” words; we’ll find them together.
How We’d Start (What the First Work Looks Like)
Session or Intensive intake: We map what “cozy” and “numbing” look like for you, including the moments you most want support around (nighttime, transitions, Sundays, deadlines, social comedowns).
IFS groundwork: We get to know the parts that take over at those times, their positive intentions, and what they’re afraid would happen without them.
Sensorimotor stabilization: We notice your body’s yes/no signals and identify 1–2 settling cues that are yours (not generic).
EMDR target selection: We identify specific memories or themes that reliably fuel the urge to disappear.
Plan the arc: Weekly sessions or an Intensive—based on your timeline, bandwidth, and goals.
My role is to keep us paced and resourced so you don’t feel pushed or flooded—and to help you reach the relief of comfort without the hangover of numbing.
A Warm Close
Cozy isn’t the enemy. In fact, genuine comfort is medicine: it lets your nervous system settle so you can be present for the life you care about. When comfort slips into numbing, there’s always a reason—usually a protector doing its best with an old map. With IFS we listen; with Sensorimotor we land; with EMDR we update the map. And with Intensives (when appropriate), we can do that work in a deeper, more complete arc so change isn’t just theoretical—it’s felt.
If you’re ready to sort comfort from numbing in a way that actually sticks, I offer IFS-, EMDR-, and Sensorimotor-informed therapy in Dupont Circle and via telehealth across DC/MD/VA. Intensives are available if you want focused progress.
Book a free 15-minute consult to talk through your goals and whether weekly sessions or an Intensive would serve you best this fall.
Looking for a trauma therapist in Washington, D.C. who can help you find real comfort—not numbing—through IFS, EMDR, and Sensorimotor therapy?
Take your first step towards comfort that actually restores you.
(Washington D.C., Virginia, and Maryland residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences. At Margot Lamson Therapy, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
