“They Should Just Know How I’m Feeling”
TL;DR: Silent expectations and unspoken needs can leave you feeling unseen or misunderstood—especially with RSD or old attachment injuries in the mix. When your system is activated, shutdowns or long explanations often replace clear asks. Somatic tools help regulate the moment, IFS softens the parts that fear asking, and EMDR rewires earlier “not-seen” experiences. Together, these layers create space for simple, honest requests that actually land. As your nervous system trusts the process, communication and repair become easier.
A nervous-system guide to clear asks, fewer spirals, and better repair (EMDR • IFS • Somatic)
If you catch yourself thinking “They should just know,” you’re not demanding or dramatic—you’re human. Our nervous systems are wired to seek attunement. When it’s missing, old alarms can fire, and silence starts to feel safer than saying what you need. This post shows why that happens and how to ask clearly—without abandoning yourself.
The mind-reading myth: why we expect pre-attunement
When you care about someone, it’s natural to hope they’ll feel your feelings and respond without being told.
In childhood, that’s ideal: caregivers notice, soothe, and meet needs without a perfect script. Your body remembers that template and keeps scanning for it. As adults, though, partners, friends, and coworkers can’t reliably “download” your inner world. They’re juggling their own nervous systems, histories, and blind spots.
When a bid for understanding goes unseen, your body may label it as threat: I’m alone in this.
That’s when the mind-reading myth grows teeth—“If they cared, they’d just know.”
RSD + attachment: the cost of unspoken expectations
For many clients—especially ADHDers and highly sensitive folks—Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and attachment injuries overlap. The risk of asking feels sky-high: If I name what I need and they don’t meet it, I’ll feel foolish, needy, or rejected. So we do nothing… and then stew.
Unspoken expectations create silent contracts: You’ll notice; you’ll say the right thing; you’ll fix it without me asking. When those contracts are broken, we feel hurt and resentful, and the relationship gets foggier.
→ RSD turns a missed cue into a story about our worth: If they didn’t notice, I must not matter.
→ Attachment history adds volume: if past caregivers minimized feelings, today’s neutral misses can feel like yesterday’s neglect.
Key truth: your reaction makes sense. And also, other people can’t meet needs they don’t know about.
Body first: make asking safer (somatic primer)
Before words, give your body a quick chance to settle. This reduces the “threat glare” in your voice and helps you stay clear if the other person stumbles.
30-second downshift
Orient: look around the room; name two colors.
Exhale longer than you inhale (count 4 in, 6–8 out).
Unclench: soften jaw/shoulders; feel both feet.
Tiny cue: place a hand to chest or lap as a self-signal: I’m okay to ask.
Now you’re more likely to speak from clarity instead of alarm.
Skills: one-sentence needs & “repair before story”
When you’ve been holding it in, it’s tempting to deliver the whole essay. Long speeches often lose the point and trigger defensiveness. Try these one-line asks first; save the story for after you’ve re-connected.
One-sentence needs (pick one):
“Could you check in with me after meetings? It helps me not spiral.”
“I need a hug before we problem-solve.”
“Please say ‘I get it; that’s hard’ before offering advice.”
“If you’ll be late, a quick text keeps me from assuming the worst.”
“Right now I need listening, not solutions.”
Repair before story:
Lead with a tiny bridge, then ask.
“We’re on the same team. Can I ask for something small that would help?”
“I care about us. Could you try ___ first when I’m upset?”
Once there’s contact—eye, breath, soft tone—then share context: what happens in your body, why this matters, what would help next time.
If you freeze:
Use a script card on your phone: “I’m flooded. I want to talk and I need 10 minutes. Later I’ll ask for what I need.” Come back when your system’s steadier.
IFS: parts that fear asking (and how to help them)
In Internal Family Systems, the part of you that wants to speak up often gets blocked by protectors:
The Pleaser/Fawn: Don’t make waves; they’ll leave.
The Prosecutor/Critic: If you ask, you’ll sound needy.
The Storyteller: writes long essays to avoid the simple, vulnerable ask.
We don’t fight these parts—we befriend them.
Try:
→ “I notice a part that’s scared to ask. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. If I share one simple need, what are you afraid will happen?”
→ Listen for old rules (rejection, ridicule, abandonment). Then reassure with specifics: If they miss it, I’ll repair or get support; I won’t shame us. With practice, protectors relax enough to let Self (your calm, wise center) lead the conversation.
EMDR: reprocessing “not-seen” moments
If your body keeps reliving earlier experiences of being ignored, blamed, or mocked, today’s small misses will feel huge. EMDR helps your nervous system reprocess those “not-seen” memories so your present isn’t run by yesterday.
What it can look like with me:
We identify the touchstone memory (e.g., sharing feelings with a parent/teacher and being shut down) and the current trigger (partner scrolling while you talk).
We build resources first—felt safety, supportive imagery—so the work is paced and contained.
During reprocessing, your brain links the past to the present and updates the belief from “I’m too much” to “My needs matter; I can ask clearly.”
We finish with a future template: practicing a one-sentence need while your body stays regulated.
Clients often report less panic, clearer language, and fewer “mind-reading tests” after EMDR because the old alarm isn’t running the show.
Scripts for common moments (keep them tiny)
When you want comfort: “Can you sit with me and just say ‘I get it’ for a minute?”
When you need clarity: “Are you available to talk about this tonight for 15 minutes?”
When you need a pause: “I want to talk and I’m flooded. Can we try again at 8?”
When repair is needed: “I felt alone yesterday. Next time, could you check in first before problem-solving?”
When they miss again: “I’m asking for listening. Solutions can come after.”
If they struggle, name the target gently: “That wasn’t quite it. Could you try just ‘I understand this is hard’ once?” Specific beats perfect.
What if they should know by now?
It’s fair to expect learning over time. Healthy relationships remember. If you’ve asked clearly and consistently and it’s still dismissed, the work shifts: protecting your nervous system with boundaries and choices, not endless explanations.
You deserve partners and friends willing to practice with you.
What this looks like in therapy
Together we slow the moment down so you can notice the body cues (tight chest, heat, pressure to over-explain), map the parts that leap in, and practice one-line asks while your system stays steady. If past “not-seen” experiences keep hijacking the present, we’ll use EMDR to update the old rules.
Many clients benefit from longer sessions/Intensives (90–180+ minutes) because there’s time to regulate, rehearse, and complete a full arc in one sitting—especially helpful for ADHD-linked anxiety and RSD.
Learn more about Intensives here.
A gentler story to carry forward
You don’t have to perform pain to be understood, and you don’t have to swallow it to keep the peace.
Your needs are not a burden; they’re information.
Ask clearly, repair quickly, and let the relationship show you what it can hold.
If it can’t hold much, that’s data you can trust—without turning on yourself.
Ready for fewer spirals and clearer asks?
I help Gen Z & Millennial professionals, creatives, and neurodivergent/ADHD clients build nervous-system safe communication using EMDR, IFS, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Work with me weekly or in 90–180+ minute intensives (in person in DC or via telehealth across DC/MD/VA).
Follow @therapywithmargot for more tools, or reach out to schedule a consult.
Looking for a therapist in Washington, D.C. who specializes in helping individuals understand and shift old nervous system patterns?
Take your first step towards clearer asks, a calmer body, and safer connection.
(Washington, D.C., Virginia, and Maryland residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences. At Margot Lamson Therapy, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
