Let Them... But What If I Can't? The Trouble With Letting Go When You Have Anxiety
The internet loves a tidy mantra. Enter: Mel Robbins' "Let Them" theory. It's gone viral for a reason. The concept is simple and empowering: if someone wants to leave, disappoint you, or act in a way you can't control? Let them. Release the grip. Stay in your own lane. Focus on your own peace.
Sounds good, right? And for many, it is a powerful mindset shift. But if you live with anxiety—especially the kind rooted in relational wounds or trauma—"letting them" isn't just hard. It can feel downright impossible.
As an anxiety therapist in Washington, DC and Virginia, I see this all the time. Clients tell me, "I know I'm not supposed to care so much. I know I can't control what others do. But my whole body reacts like I'm in danger when they pull away." That's not just overthinking.
That's your nervous system trying to protect you.
Why Letting Go Feels So Hard When You Have Anxiety
If you've ever been called "too sensitive," "overbearing," or "clingy," you might have internalized the idea that your reactions are the problem. But here's the truth: anxiety isn't a character flaw. It's a response—often a deeply intelligent one—based on past experiences.
For people with anxiety, especially those with complex trauma or histories of emotional neglect, other people's actions can feel like threats to safety.
When someone withdraws or acts unpredictably, your nervous system might interpret it as abandonment, rejection, or failure. And not just mentally—but physically, through racing thoughts, muscle tension, nausea, and panic.
So when someone tells you to "just let them" behave however they want? It can feel like you're being asked to override your wiring. That’s not empowerment.
That’s dysregulation.
What the "Let Them" Theory Gets Right—And What It Misses
Yes, we do want to develop the ability to let others be who they are without trying to fix, manage, or control them. And yes, boundaries are crucial. But the process of getting there? It's not always as simple as flipping a mindset switch.
The "Let Them" theory doesn’t account for:
The ways trauma teaches you to monitor others for safety
The reality of nervous system dysregulation
The protective parts of you that developed in response to inconsistency or chaos
In other words: it skips over the how. It can sound like, "If you were more evolved, this wouldn’t bother you." But healing isn’t about becoming unbothered.
It’s about learning to be with your reactions and gently update the parts of you that still feel stuck in past dynamics.
How Therapy Can Help You Actually Let Go (In a Way That Feels Safe)
This is where body-based anxiety therapy comes in. Because you don’t just need more insight. You need tools that help your system feel safe enough to release old patterns. In my practice, I blend several trauma-informed approaches that help anxious clients feel more in charge:
→ Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS allows us to understand the protective parts of you that panic when others pull away. Maybe there’s a part that catastrophizes or needs to "fix" the relationship. Instead of shaming that part, we get curious about what it’s protecting—and help it feel supported in new, less extreme ways.
→ Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
This modality helps you tune into how your body responds to the perceived threat of disconnection. Do your shoulders tense? Does your breath shorten? We work with those impulses gently, allowing your nervous system to process stored stress and develop new responses.
Learn more about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy here!
→ EMDR Therapy
If there are specific memories that shaped your fear of letting go (like a betrayal, loss, or chronic invalidation), EMDR helps you reprocess those experiences so they no longer feel like present-day dangers. This creates a sense of distance and clarity—so you're less likely to react from past wounds.
→ Therapy Intensives
Sometimes, you want to work through this now, not in slow weekly doses. Therapy intensives give you the space to dive deep into your anxiety and begin reworking these patterns more efficiently. Many of my clients feel significant relief and clarity even after one or two extended sessions.
Learn more about therapy intensives here!
You Deserve More Than a Catchphrase
You deserve real healing. Not just advice to detach harder.
Anxiety therapy that’s grounded in your actual experience—your story, your nervous system, your strengths—can help you finally feel safe enough to let others be who they are, while staying deeply connected to who you are.
If you're tired of trying to mindset your way out of anxiety, and ready for support that honors your whole self, I’d love to help. Whether you're in Washington, DC or Virginia, I offer individualized anxiety therapy and intensives to help you move from fear to freedom.
Looking for an anxiety therapist in Washington, D.C. or Virginia who understands that you can’t just “let them”?
Take your first step towards understanding your anxiety, healing your nervous system, and feeling safe & grounded.
(Washington, D.C. and Virginia residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LICSW, is a licensed psychotherapist offering in-person and virtual therapy in Washington, D.C. and Virginia. She is trained in multiple trauma-focused approaches, including EMDR, IFS, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to support clients seeking meaningful and lasting healing. Margot also provides intensives, combining evidence-based and holistic techniques, to help clients achieve significant progress and feel better faster in a focused, supportive setting.
