Why EMDR Works Best in Relationship — and Why Intensives Can Be the Most Ethical Way to Do the Work
TL;DR: EMDR is most effective when the nervous system has enough safety, support, and time to truly process—not when it’s rushed or forced. Traditional session lengths can unintentionally disrupt trauma work by stopping processing mid-activation, which may undermine trust and regulation. EMDR intensives offer a more ethical container by allowing pacing, completion, and integration. When EMDR is combined with IFS and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, protective responses are respected rather than overridden. Trauma healing works best when time and relationship are treated as clinical necessities, not extras.
EMDR therapy is often described as powerful, efficient, and evidence-based — and for many people, it truly is transformative.
But what’s discussed far less often is why EMDR works when it does — and why, for some people, it hasn’t felt safe, effective, or sustainable.
In my experience, EMDR doesn’t work because it’s fast or because a protocol is followed correctly.
It works when there is enough safety, time, and relational support for the nervous system to actually process.
This is where the therapeutic relationship — and the structure of therapy itself — matters deeply. And it’s why EMDR intensives, when done thoughtfully, are not just an option, but often the most ethical way to engage in trauma-focused work.
EMDR Is Not Just a Technique — It’s a Relational Process
At its core, EMDR helps the brain reprocess memories that are still “live” in the nervous system — memories that continue to shape beliefs, emotions, and reactions long after the original experience has passed.
For this to happen safely, the nervous system needs to feel:
supported enough to stay present
regulated enough to avoid overwhelm or shutdown
confident that it won’t be rushed or abandoned mid-process
None of that happens through technique alone.
It happens in relationship.
When EMDR feels overwhelming or ineffective, what’s often missing isn’t resilience or motivation — it’s enough relational and temporal containment for the work.
Why Safety Is the Foundation of Effective EMDR
Trauma is not just what happened. It’s what happened without enough support.
So when we ask a nervous system to revisit painful material — even gently — we have an ethical responsibility to ensure that:
the person feels oriented to the present
there is room to slow down or pause
protective responses are respected
processing isn’t cut off abruptly
Safety in EMDR isn’t about avoiding difficulty.
It’s about making sure difficulty happens within a holding environment.
This is where many traditional therapy structures fall short — not because clinicians aren’t skilled, but because time itself is a clinical variable.
The Hidden Problem With Stop-and-Start EMDR
Standard 45–50 minute therapy sessions can work well for many forms of therapy. But with EMDR, they can unintentionally undermine safety.
Here’s why:
it often takes time just to settle and regulate
meaningful processing may begin right as the session ends
stopping mid-activation can feel destabilizing
the clock can create pressure to “get somewhere” quickly
For trauma work, this repeated stop-and-start rhythm can make it harder to build trust — not only in the therapist, but in the process itself.
Clients often describe feeling like:
they’re opening something up only to have to close it too quickly
they have to “hold” the work on their own between sessions
they can’t fully relax into the process
From an ethical standpoint, this matters.
Why EMDR Intensives Support Safety and Effectiveness
EMDR intensives change the container — and that changes everything.
With extended sessions (90 minutes or longer), there is:
time to build rapport without rushing
space to check in with protective parts
room to titrate processing carefully
the ability to fully settle before ending
continuity that supports integration
Rather than being “more intense,” intensives often feel more regulating, because the nervous system isn’t bracing against the clock.
When EMDR is done in an intensive format, clients don’t have to:
rush into processing
stop just as things are moving
manage activation alone afterward
From an ethical perspective, this honors the reality that trauma processing takes time — and that time is not a luxury, but a necessity.
EMDR + IFS: Safety Through Internal Consent
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a critical part of making EMDR ethical and effective, especially for clients with complex trauma, perfectionism, or high internal pressure.
Protective parts often show up as:
fear of “going too deep”
difficulty accessing memories
resistance or numbness
pressure to perform therapy correctly
IFS reframes these responses as intelligent attempts to keep the system safe.
When EMDR is integrated with IFS:
protective parts are consulted, not overridden
consent becomes central to pacing
resistance is met with curiosity, not force
clients experience more trust in themselves and the process
In intensives, there is enough time to do this well — without rushing parts out of the way to “get to the work.”
EMDR + Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Letting the Nervous System Lead
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy adds another layer of safety by tracking nervous system cues in real time.
Rather than pushing through distress, this approach allows the work to slow down when signs of overwhelm appear, such as:
dissociation or numbness
agitation or restlessness
difficulty staying present
This moment-to-moment attunement is inherently relational — and it’s far easier to maintain when there is adequate time.
In EMDR intensives, therapist and client can respond to the nervous system as it unfolds, rather than racing against an ending.
Learn more about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy here.
Why Time Is an Ethical Issue in Trauma Therapy
It’s worth saying plainly:
When we work with trauma, time is not neutral.
Enough time allows for:
regulation before and after processing
repair if something feels misattuned
integration rather than fragmentation
When therapy moves too quickly or ends too abruptly, clients can feel dysregulated or unsupported — even when the therapist is skilled and caring.
From this perspective, EMDR intensives aren’t about efficiency or acceleration.
They’re about responsibility.
Learn more about intensives here.
Working With Us
At our practice, EMDR is always grounded in relationship, consent, and pacing — never in pressure.
I work with clients using EMDR integrated with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, with a strong focus on nervous system regulation and ethical trauma processing. I also offer EMDR intensives, which allow enough time to build rapport, move carefully, and complete work in a way that feels contained and supported.
Learn more about me (Margot!) here.
Molly also practices EMDR and IFS and is especially skilled at working with perfectionism, self-criticism, and high internal pressure. Her approach is warm, steady, and deeply relational, and she brings a thoughtful, ethical lens to trauma work.
Whether you’re new to EMDR or have tried it before and felt it was too much, we’re happy to help you explore whether an integrative approach — and more time — could make the work feel safer and more effective.
A Final Thought
EMDR doesn’t work because it’s fast.
It works because, when done well, it happens inside a relationship that has enough time, enough safety, and enough care.
That’s not an add-on. It’s the foundation.
Looking for a therapist in Washington, D.C., who offers EMDR in a trauma-informed, intensive format?
Take your first step towards safer processing, deeper regulation, and trauma work that isn’t rushed.
(Washington, D.C., Virginia, and Maryland residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences. At Margot Lamson Therapy, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
