I Have So Many Friends, So Why Do I Still Feel Lonely?
TL;DR: You can be surrounded by friends and still feel lonely. Often, what we crave isn’t more social events, but deeper emotional connection — the kind that feels safe, reciprocal, and nourishing. Old protective patterns, trauma, anxiety, or ADHD can make intimacy feel risky, leaving you stuck in surface-level connection. With approaches like EMDR, IFS, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and therapy intensives, it’s possible to soften those barriers and experience closeness that feels authentic and sustaining.
You’ve got the group chat that’s constantly buzzing, the happy hour invites, maybe even a full calendar of brunches, birthdays, and book clubs. On paper, you look like the definition of “socially connected.” Yet underneath it all, there’s this quiet ache: Why do I still feel so lonely?
If this resonates with you, I want you to know you’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone. Having friends doesn’t always mean feeling truly connected. In fact, for many people I work with — especially those navigating anxiety, ADHD, or the aftereffects of relational trauma — loneliness can creep in even when you’re surrounded by people.
Let’s break down why that happens, and what can help you move toward the kind of connection that actually feels nourishing.
Quantity vs. Quality of Connection
First, let’s name the obvious: having “lots of friends” doesn’t automatically equal deep emotional intimacy. Sometimes we mistake proximity or busyness for closeness.
You may have plenty of people to grab a coffee with, but fewer (or none) who really see you in your messy, complicated, authentic fullness.
This doesn’t mean your friendships are shallow or meaningless — they may genuinely bring joy and fun. But when there’s a gap between the connections you have and the closeness you crave, loneliness shows up.
Why Trauma Can Make Loneliness Harder
If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t met — maybe you were criticized for being “too sensitive,” learned to keep your feelings hidden, or had to take care of others instead of being cared for — your nervous system may still carry those old protective patterns.
These patterns often show up in friendships and relationships today. For example:
People-pleasing: You’re great at making others feel comfortable but hesitate to share your deeper needs.
Keeping it surface-level: You’re the “fun friend” but rarely let others see your sadness, anger, or vulnerability.
Fear of rejection: You long for closeness but worry that if you reveal too much, people will pull away.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, these are protective “parts” of you doing their best to keep you safe from the old wounds of rejection or criticism. They’re not bad parts — they’ve been working overtime to prevent you from getting hurt again. But the cost is often a persistent sense of disconnection.
ADHD, Anxiety, and Social Loneliness
If you also live with ADHD or anxiety, there’s another layer.
→ ADHD can make it harder to slow down and fully tune in to deeper conversations. Maybe you feel scattered, talk quickly, or second-guess if you’re “too much.”
→ Anxiety might keep you in your head — replaying conversations, worrying if someone is upset with you, or holding back what you really want to say.
The result? You might look socially active, but internally, you feel like you’re constantly missing the deeper connection you long for.
The Body’s Role in Connection
Here’s something we don’t often talk about: loneliness isn’t just in your head, it’s in your body. Your nervous system remembers memories of connection and disconnection. If closeness has felt unsafe in the past, your body might tense up, shut down, or get restless when you try to go deeper with someone.
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy helps clients notice these subtle body signals — the quickening heartbeat, the urge to change the subject, the shoulders that hunch without realizing it — as signs that a protective response is activating. Learning to track and regulate those responses creates space for more ease and authenticity in connection.
EMDR: Healing Relational Wounds
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) isn’t just for “big T” trauma — it’s also powerful for those quieter but deeply impactful relational hurts. For example, if you were repeatedly dismissed as a kid when you tried to share your feelings, EMDR can help your nervous system release the stuck belief that “my needs don’t matter.”
When those old imprints soften, it becomes easier to risk deeper closeness in the present. You may find yourself able to let your guard down, share more authentically, and actually feel the connection that’s available to you.
IFS: Befriending the Parts That Guard Connection
With Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can get to know the parts of you that keep friendships light, crack a joke instead of sharing sadness, or pull away when someone gets too close. Instead of trying to get rid of these parts, IFS helps you listen to them with compassion.
Often, these parts are carrying the weight of old pain — a memory of being ridiculed, dismissed, or hurt when you showed vulnerability. Once those parts feel heard and supported, they don’t have to work so hard to protect you. This frees up more space for genuine closeness and intimacy.
Sensorimotor: Building Safety in the Body
Sometimes, even if your mind wants connection, your body says, “nope.” Sensorimotor Psychotherapy helps bridge that gap.
Through simple, mindful experiments — like noticing what it feels like to make eye contact, or practicing what happens in your body when you share a truth out loud — you begin to gently rewire your nervous system toward safety in connection.
This body-level shift is often what allows people to move from knowing they want intimacy to actually feeling safe enough to have it.
Why Therapy Intensives Can Help Sooner
For many of my clients, this kind of relational healing feels both urgent and deeply overdue. That’s why therapy intensives can be such a game-changer. Instead of working on these patterns in small weekly increments, intensives create an immersive space where you can dive in, connect dots quickly, and practice new ways of being — all while feeling deeply supported.
For ADHD clients, intensives are especially helpful because they match the brain’s natural capacity for hyperfocus and immersion. You don’t have to start and stop week to week — you can stay with the work long enough to experience real momentum.
Closing Thoughts: You’re Not “Too Much,” You’re Just Longing for More
If you’ve ever wondered why loneliness follows you even in a crowd, know this: it’s not because you’re flawed or “too sensitive.” It’s because your system is still carrying old patterns that once kept you safe, but now block the deeper intimacy you deserve.
Therapy can help you shift those patterns — in your mind, in your body, and in your relationships — so you can move from surface-level connection to friendships and partnerships that actually feel nourishing.
If this is resonating, I’d love to help you explore it. Whether through weekly therapy or an intensive, my work integrates EMDR, IFS, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to support deep, whole-self healing. Together, we can create the kind of space where you don’t just look connected, but actually feel connected — in a way that lasts.
Looking for a therapist in Washington, D.C. who can help you heal the wounds & patterns that keep you feeling lonely?
It’s time to move past surface-level friendships into deeper, more authentic connection.
(Washington D.C., Maryland, and Virginia residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences. At Margot Lamson Therapy, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
