Why Can’t I Relax Even When Nothing’s Wrong?
TL;DR: When you can’t relax no matter how much you try, it’s not a personal failure—it’s a sign your nervous system has been carrying too much for too long. Through trauma-informed approaches like EMDR, IFS, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, therapy helps your body learn that it no longer needs to stay on guard. You begin to feel the difference between “numb” and “calm,” between “on edge” and “at ease.” Healing starts when your body finally believes it’s safe to rest.
You’ve finally finished your to-do list. There are no deadlines hanging over your head, no one is texting you in crisis, and you even have a free evening to yourself. You should feel at ease — but instead, your body is buzzing, your thoughts are restless, and you can’t seem to unwind.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people, especially those with anxiety, ADHD, or a history of relational trauma, struggle with feeling “on edge” even when life is objectively calm. On the outside, you may look like someone who has it all together. But on the inside, it can feel like your nervous system never got the memo that it’s safe to rest.
Let’s break down why this happens, what it really means (hint: you’re not broken), and how therapy can help you find the peace your system has been craving.
Why Relaxing Doesn’t Always Come Naturally
For most people, rest is something that just “happens” when the external stressors are gone. But if your nervous system has been conditioned to stay on alert — whether from ongoing stress, past trauma, or simply the way your brain is wired — it won’t automatically switch off just because the world around you quiets down.
Here are a few common reasons:
→ Hypervigilance: If you grew up in an unpredictable or critical environment, your body may have learned to always stay on guard. Even as an adult, your system scans for threats — real or imagined — making it hard to fully relax.
→ Unprocessed Trauma: Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between “past” and “present.” When old wounds remain unprocessed, your body reacts as if the danger could still happen at any moment.
→ ADHD Overstimulation: If you have ADHD, your brain may feel most “normal” when it’s buzzing with stimulation. Quiet moments can actually feel uncomfortable, even unsafe, because your nervous system is so used to operating in a higher gear.
→ Anxiety’s What-Ifs: Even when nothing’s wrong, your mind can race ahead to all the possible scenarios that could go wrong. This can keep you in a loop of restlessness instead of letting you be present.
The Quiet Signs of a Nervous System That Can’t Switch Off
Sometimes it’s obvious when you can’t relax — trouble sleeping, pacing, or needing constant distraction. But often, the signs are quieter and easier to miss, especially if you’ve lived with them for years.
Some of these include:
Feeling uneasy when things are “too calm.”
Struggling to sit still or watch TV without scrolling on your phone.
Difficulty enjoying downtime without guilt.
Tension in your body — clenched jaw, tight shoulders, shallow breathing — even when you’re “off the clock.”
A subtle sense that you’re “falling behind” if you’re not doing something productive.
If any of these resonate, it doesn’t mean you’re failing at self-care. It means your system is stuck in a survival loop — and that loop can be rewired.
How Therapy Can Help You Actually Feel at Ease
The good news is, just as your nervous system learned to stay on high alert, it can also learn to come down and feel safe again. This isn’t about forcing yourself to “just relax,” but rather helping your body, brain, and deeper parts of you feel that relaxation is truly possible.
Here’s how the main approaches I use — EMDR, IFS, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy — help break the cycle:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
With EMDR, we don’t just talk about why you’re anxious — we help your brain reprocess the memories and experiences that taught your nervous system it wasn’t safe to rest. By using bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping), your brain refiles those experiences so they no longer trigger that same hyper-alert response. Clients often describe EMDR as helping their body finally “get the memo” that it’s safe to stand down.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS helps us understand the inner parts of you that keep driving you to stay busy, alert, or on guard. Maybe there’s a part of you that equates relaxing with laziness, or another part that believes vigilance is the only way to stay safe. Instead of fighting these parts, IFS helps you get to know them with compassion — which allows them to soften. Over time, the parts that keep you on edge can trust that you’re safe enough to rest.
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
This body-based approach helps you notice the subtle ways your nervous system is stuck in “go” mode. Through gentle awareness and movement practices, you learn to release tension, reconnect with your body, and regulate your physiology. It’s not about forcing calm but retraining your body to experience what safety actually feels like.
Learn more about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy here.
Why Therapy Intensives Can Help Reset Faster
For many people, weekly therapy is powerful. But if you’ve been living in this restless cycle for years, it can sometimes take a while for your system to unwind.
That’s where therapy intensives come in.
In an intensive, we spend several hours (or even a few days) focusing deeply on your system. This immersive experience can create the space for breakthroughs that weekly therapy sometimes can’t reach as quickly.
For people with ADHD, intensives are also surprisingly effective: the structure, momentum, and immersive pacing can feel much more aligned than stretching the work out over months.
Intensives can give your nervous system a true reset — helping you not only understand why you can’t relax, but actually feel, in your body, what it’s like to rest.
Final Thoughts: Rest Isn’t a Luxury, It’s a Birthright
If you’ve ever wondered why relaxation feels so elusive, please know this: it’s not because you’re “too sensitive,” “lazy,” or “bad at self-care.” It’s because your system learned to survive by staying on guard — and that old survival pattern hasn’t yet realized the danger is over.
Healing is about helping your mind, body, and inner parts come into alignment so that rest isn’t just something you wish for, but something you actually experience.
If you’re in Washington, DC, or virtually in Virginia or Maryland, I’d love to support you. Whether through ongoing therapy or a therapy intensive, you don’t have to keep living in constant alert mode. Your system deserves peace — and with the right support, you can get there.
Looking for a therapist in Washington, D.C. who specializes in helping anxious, high-achieving adults finally feel calm in their bodies?
Take your first step towards freedom from chronic tension and anxious overdrive.
(Washington, D.C., Virginia, Maryland residents only)
About the author
Margot Lamson, LCSW-C is a licensed therapist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Washington, DC and Virginia. She specializes in trauma recovery, anxiety, ADHD, and relational challenges, and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help clients reduce anxiety, build self-compassion, and heal from the effects of past experiences. At Margot Lamson Therapy, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
